Persistent? Stubborn? Call it what you will.

I sometimes forget I am not a powerful machine.

My morning yesterday began with my car stuck on a patch of ice in the back yard. Logically, most people would do one of the following things:

1. Get a shovel and attempt to chip away at the ice to create a clearance for the tires to grip, thus freeing themselves of the ice monster.
2. Find some road salt or sand and place strategically beneath said tires in order to allow grippage, thus freeing themselves.
3. Draw upon inner stubbornness and continue attempting to go backwards then forwards, backwards then forwards repeatedly until said icy spot becomes a HUGE icy spot (caused by spinning of tires), and car is more stuck than it was to begin with. Then, revert to plan 1 or 2.
   
4. Solicit the help of a friend or stranger to push them out of problematic icy spot.
5. Call a tow truck.

Now the fact is I have rarely been known for my sensible qualities and have more often been known as a stubborn ox. I admit I do have a tendency to be persistent, and will rarely give up on things before I finish them. Case in point is finding the hotel in Spain 3 hours after beginning the search. Sure, it was just across the street, but it took us hours of wandering, following a (really unclear) map and lots of twists and turns through shady neighbourhoods - but we made our way back. Persistence pays off my friends!

But I digress......

So, yeah, Car stuck in ice, me in the yard alone trying to get it out. Do I choose door #1, door #2 or door #3 as listed above? OF COURSE NOT! Because you see, I consider myself this strong macho chick who can do just about anything I set my mind to. Between pure brute strength and stubborn willfulness, I think who needs help? It's just a little Honda Civic. I am strong and mighty - I can push it all myself!

So.......I put the car in neutral, I stand behind it and I begin pushing with all my strength. I spend the next ten minutes or so putting every ounce of strength I have into pushing my car, getting a great rocking motion going on, timing each new shove with the rocking motion hoping, (and more importantly) BELIEVING, that I can do this myself.

Shove, rock, shove, rock, shove, rock.

The car? She is as stubborn as I am and she stays right where she is on that annoying patch of ice, not going anywhere. I swear I can hear her mocking me.

So, yeah. I finally realize that despite my best efforts, I am maybe not as strong and macho as I thought (although my claim to being bull headed remains uncontested). I do what any other sensible woman would do at this point. I go in, wake up my roomie and tell her I need her help.

Less than 5 minutes later I am free from the ice and can finally head to work.

Today I can't move my arms. Every muscle in my upper body is shrivelled up in fear, painfully reminding me that I am not an ironman and that maybe, just maybe, I should stop trying to move cars on my own.

When I look at my little car, though, I can still see the evil grin across her front end, mocking me, laughing at my stubborn pride.

NaNoWriMo Part 2

I did it.

I totally fucking did it.

I didn't think I could but I did.

Please don't misunderstand me. I am quite certain this thing I call a book is not worthy of any of you reading it, but that is not the point. The challenge was not to write a GREAT book in a month, it was simply to write a book in a month. A 50,ooo word book.

And I. DID. IT.

Holy Fuck.

NaNo

Because I can never do anything easily, and because I am an idiot who will often bite off more than I can chew, I decided to sign up for NaNoWriMo. For those of you who I have not lambasted with stories of my fear and trepidation in doing this monstrous task, it is a little writing challenge for anyone who wants to join. The concept is easy - write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days. The actual task, on the other hand, is not so easy.

50,000 words is a lot of words! That's like how many grains of rice there are in a 10k bag! Its like how many kernels of popcorn are popped in a movie theater on opening night! That is like how many Shriners you can cram into one of those little cars! Okay.....maybe not...but you get the picture.

I have had some great recommendations on how to actually achieve 50,000 words from friends and coworkers. One of them said "Why not star a character that has OCD and continually repeats the same phrase over and over again". Yeah, not so much. Another helpful hint was to use sentences like "He really, really, really really liked it". I suppose I could do that but then I would end up with a really, really, really, really boring novel.

Now, I am not saying I WON'T end up with a really boring novel. I may well do just that. I may write a terrible novel, filled with stupid people, boring stories, and nonsense. It may make others want to poke their eyes out with a pitchfork instead of reading it. It may be akin to Heart of Darkness - the book that I Just. Could. Not. Read. in high school because it was kind of like watching paint dry. It may end up being some self serving, working-my-shit-out-through-words kind of book that I need to write as some sort of metamorphic moment in my life, but once written it never actually gets read by anyone.

Or.....(and this is the most likely scenario, as it is SO ME).....I may get half way through it, get frustrated, find it is too big a commitment, and just stop writing it all together. It will sit on the ever growing pile of "Things Stephanie Has Not Seen Through to Completion", and it will remain there for eternity collecting dust.

Do computer files actually collect dust? Is there some kind of virtual dust that ends up covering everything in my C Drive that I never access again? Hmmmmmmmmmmm

Anyhow, wish me luck. I got big shoes to fill, and no time to fill em!

Affirmation

(I received an affirmation from the Universe in a workshop the other day. It led me to this.....)


Affirmation: I am ready to receive my hearts desire.

But Am I ready?
And what IS my hearts desire?
I desire growth, I desire love, I desire stability, I desire inspiration
I desire fruitfulness, I desire DESIRE, and I desire to be desired.

I desire a sense of wholeness, I desire health and happiness, I desire dreams fulfilled,
I desire LIFE!
I desire many things, and yet
I need nothing.

What does this mean?
Am I truly ready to receive my hearts desire?
The cycle.....
I am back to "What IS my hearts desire?"

Excitement?
Newness, thrill, energy, stability?
Kindness, peace, love?
.....love, love, love, in all its many forms.
Challenge!
I need challenge, I need change,
I need change within stability,
I need purpose,
I need to feel needed.

I need sex, I need connection, I need warmth
I need contact, I need energy, I need spiritual complexity

I need need.

I need to feel.
Something. Anything.
I need desire.

But, what IS my hearts desire?
How do I know I am ready?

Am I ripe like the autumn harvest?
Am I risen like the baking bread?
Am I full like the expectant mother?
Am I overflowing like the swollen river?

Am I truly ready?

My arms are open. My heart is trying... truly, truly trying.
My fear is looming, but my desire is
There. Waiting.
Possibilities are endless and life is renewed.

I AM an evolution in progress.

Yes, I am ready to receive my hearts desire.

Mother

Am I mother?
Was I ever mother?

What is mother, exactly?

I am woman.
I am lover,
I am nurturer, I am provider, I am tender
I am consort, I am healer, I am empath.

I am She who has been here since time began,
and I am She who will remain for time immemorial.

I give, I take, I breathe, I love, I feel, I sense, I think, I do
I Am.
Power. Resonance. Life. Light. Energy.
I dance and sing and breathe and share and reap and sow and
I ! Am ! She !
Mother, Goddess, Lover, Sister,
Me.

And I am her child.



(this was written in ritual during a time of reflection about the Mother aspect of Goddess within each of us).

The Writing Thing

I had my cards read about a week ago, and was basically admonished by the universe for the lack of creativity on my part for the last, oh, really long time. I was basically told that I need to just "Pick up a paper and pen and write, dammit!". I have been doing just that every day since.

Some of this writing is crap - total, boring, "Processing the shit out of life" kinda crap. Some of it is just random, some of it is space filling, and some of it is kick ass! So, I will share parts of it with the blogosphere. You may wonder if it is the boring, the processing, the random, or the kick ass I will be sharing...that is up to you to decide :)

Motivation (or lack thereof)

Let's talk about motivation, shall we?

Better yet, let's talk about lack of motivation. Specifically, let's talk about MY lack of motivation.

Did you notice the date of my last blog entry? July 1, 2008. That is exactly 3 months and 13 days ago. That is a long time for me to go blogless. I can't remember the last time I went that long without telling the world what I think! Oh wait, I do that every day, I just don't always write it down.

SO yeah, motivation.....what is that again?

I have been up to lots of cool things. LOTS, I tell you!

I have been to Michigan Womyn's Music Festival! LOVED IT!

I have reconnected with one of my oldest and dearest friends!

I have been to my 2nd favourite cottage in the world (next to mine, of course).....TWICE!

I have been through a very heavy, dramatic, passionate and unfortunately ill-fated relationship!

I have begun dating....yet again!

And I have been on a few dates- some good, some not so good. But still, dates!

I have been to Harvest Fest, my formerly favourite Pagan festival!

I have met cool people (hi Sim) , I have seen a few episodes of Buffy (she rocks!), I have partaken in some illegal recreational activities for the first time in 20 years (only mildly illegal, mind you) and I have had some great, fantastic, fascinating and magical times!

And you know what?

I didn't blog about a single one of them. (well, until now....)

I need something new and exciting, people.
I need sex, people.
I need fun! and silliness! and thrills! and tomfoolery! and laughter!

And most importantly? I need motivation.

Soon.

Please?

~to Z~

I will not feel guilty.

I was excited - once - about the prospect of a friendship with you. We did not know each other, but seemed to share a common experience. I thought we may be kindred spirits. We laughed, we shared, and felt connected in our paths.And then, you lashed out, and made me feel badly about myself.

I will not feel guilty.

I reached out to you, offered a helping hand, and a shoulder for you, gave you my support, and spoke out on your behalf. I was your proponent, your supporter, your advocate. In return, you told me I had failed my three chances with you, and I was not good enough to be your friend. Then, you wrote me off.

I will not feel guilty.

I explained my position, accepted your version of events, and understood we all walk different paths. I allowed your abuse and negativity, and simply let things fade. No anger, no drama, just acceptance. You, in turn, were mean and vicious, stood on your soap box and told me what friends are meant to do. I listened, and permitted your outburst.I silently went away.I actually felt as though I had failed you.

I did not fail you. I failed me.

I will not feel guilty.

One year later, I receive an email from you - a reaching out into the void based upon mixed messages and twisted words. You open a door and invite me to walk through it, hoping all will be forgotten or forgiven.

A year has passed, and I am stronger, more self assured, and more confident. I no longer need friendships that are unhealthy. I respond - kindly, with tenderness, and with a finality. I wish you all the best on your journey, and make it evident it is a journey I do not choose to be a part of.

I will not feel guilty.

You respond, apologize for bothering me, speak words that may be painful, and move along with your life. You block me from sending you messages. You had the last word. Again.

I will not feel guilty.

I. DO. NOT. feel guilty.

Stephanie-isms

I do weird things. I have always done weird things. Part of my charm and allure is the weird things I do from time to time.By charm and allure, what I really mean is the qualities I have that make people say "Man, she is weird!" or "That Stephanie has some serious issues". But wait! No, really - hang on! These "issues" and symptoms of weirdness are really the things that can also be considered quirky and interesting about me. I swear!

Honestly, is it really that strange to wonder how a puddle tastes and then follow up by tasting it?

Doesn't everyone own at least 10 identical pairs of socks? It's just sensible! It saves me time when I am doing laundry if all my socks are the same. No more having to find the perfect pair - just grab 2 and you are good to go!

I can't help it if I see a dog across the street from a half mile away and I must stop and try and pat it, even if it means walking out of my way in a torrential downpour. I don't care if the dog is growling at me and looking like it could eat my head. It is a dog, people! Dogs are loving caring creatures that just want affection! That monstrous, nasty showing of teeth is just a different kind of greeting.

I like all my little accessories to match. My nose ring, glasses, ear plugs - all blue. It is intentional, and I actually spent 3 months looking for ear plugs in the right colour.

I state the obvious. All the time. Someone can look at a mess on the floor and say "What happened here?" and I will state back "Someone made a mess". My roomie will ask me what we should have for dinner and I will say "How about some food". I can look out into the brightest of bright sunny days and say "It is sunny out". I don 't know why I do it, but my uncanny ability to state the obvious has at times driven my friends and family absolutely nutty. I just like to believe it is perhaps one of those things that will bring a warmth to their hearts instead of a punch to my face.

I need to wake up at least 90 minutes before I go anywhere, no matter how early it is. Even if I need to be somewhere at 5 a.m. I will get up at 3 if I have to, just so I have my 90 minutes.

I used to smoke in the shower. Granted, I am not sure if that is a weirdness, or just pathetic. It's true though - I would light up and have my smoke as I scrubbed up for the day. Time saving tips, I tell yah! (good thing I don't smoke any more).

When I can't sleep at night I sing a song in my head over and over and over until it puts me to sleep. It is kind of like counting sheep but it's musical. It is not just any old song but it has to be a certain song - I learned it at summer camp when I was a kid, and it is a round in three parts. I sing all three, in succession...."One bottle of pop, two bottles of pop.....fish and chips and vinegar, vinegar, vinegar, fish and chips and vinegar, pepper pepper pepper salt...don't throw your junk in my backyear, my backyard....etc"......know it?

I have stopped on the side of the highway in the dark of night during a rainstorm to clear the frogs off the road so they didn't get squished by passing cars. I just could not stand the thought of losing so many cute little amphibians to big old evil vehicles. It wouldn't be fair! Oh - and I rescue spiders too - and mice - catch them and put them outside so the indoor dwellers don't kill them.

I am completely addicted to gum. I am quite certain it is a side effect of the fact that I am no longer smoking in the shower (or anywhere for that matter). If I don't have gum with me I will actually have a slight panic attack. I was at work one day and realized that I had no gum and freaked out! I actually sent one of our bottle collectors to buy me some! I don't even need to be chewing it constantly, I just need to know I have it. I could never be on Survivor because there is no way for me to get gum in the middle some remote island in the south Pacific. I even have hidden gum in the house, in the car, in my gym bag....all so I have my emergency back up when I have run out. Crazy!

But wait, maybe that is it....maybe I am not weird and am in fact crazy - or neurotic - or obsessive compulsive - or something......but I hold onto the fact that these are the things about Stephanie that my friends and family know and love. I like to believe when they think of me they don't think "Jeeeze she is crackers" but instead think "What an interesting, quirky and individualistic woman".

Oh - and I like to think that my little "isms" are good qualities and not bad qualities.Please don't burst my bubble with this one :)

Fluffy bunnies and all

Spring always makes me look for change. I do lots of things to make change happen, but I still end up looking for it. Funny, that.

I guess the thing about change is it is always...well...changing. It is a fleeting feeling, kind of like the excitement of first attraction, the first sip of a cold beer on a hot day, or the rush you feel jumping into an icy river.

I get excited by spring. I get excited about the snow melting, the sun coming back, the longer days, and the promise of something.....more. Something new. Something exciting.

I often try and fulfill this expectation by buying things.New clothes fill the gap for a brief moment but then they get old fast, and I often tire of them pretty quickly anyhow. So, I look to other things for change. Can I alter my lifestyle to make myself feel fulfilled? Can I start a new hobby? Can I go somewhere I have never been? Eat more veggies? New hair colour? New hair style? New friends? Go out more? Have more sex? What is it I can do to REALLY fulfill this desire for new and exciting things?

You know what?

I have no fucking idea.

So, I slog along doing the same old thing every day. Work. Surf the net. Drink coffee. go to the gym.

Same old, same old.

Maybe I should look into skydiving.

Happy Spring everyone.